Controlling Anger Righteously

The Bible teaches that Christians must control their anger, especially in a marriage. The anger you have should drive you to do the right thing. Instead of losing your temper and blowing up (or clamming up), you should focus your attention on the problem. Husbands and wives must learn to attack the problem at hand, not each other, especially in a christian marriage.

Proverbs 12:16

A fool is quick-tempered,
but a wise person stays calm when insulted.

Proverbs 14:29

People with understanding control their anger;
a hot temper shows great foolishness.

Husbands and wives who do not control their anger end up attacking each other instead of the problem. Uncontrolled anger can lead to tension and other serious problems in a marriage. It’s what turns minor disagreements into shouting matches. Uncontrolled anger is sinful and foolish because its purpose is not to edify but to intentionally hurt. When you’re yelling, screaming, name-calling, bringing up past mistakes—all are used to hurt your spouse. A Christian marriage does not involve a husband and wife keeping score to see who wins a fight.

Proverbs 15:19

A hot-tempered person starts fights;
a cool-tempered person stops them.

Proverbs 16:24

Kind words are like honey—
sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.

Proverbs 16:29

Violent people mislead their companions,
leading them down a harmful path.

The first step in controlling anger is to remain calm & collected all to avoid the urge to blow up. Those of you who struggled with this kind of outburst in the past should try to explain to your spouse that you are learning to replace blowing up with dealing with the situation in a biblical way. Those of us who struggle with clamming up (i.e., the silent treatment) should also memorize the anger passages. You must learn that cutting off communication is not the way to solve problems and bring healing to the relationship.

The second step is to direct the energy from one’s anger toward solving the problem. When husbands and wives get angry, they often direct the anger at each other, instead of at the problem that causes the anger. Instead of losing one’s temper and trying to punish and hurt your spouse, or attempting to win an argument that is going nowhere, you both should focus your attention on the problem.

When your spouse does something to anger you, the result should not be a fight but a controlled discussion and what biblical principles should apply as you go. Attacking your spouse is sinful and self-centered. Husbands are commanded to love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it (Eph. 5:25). Husbands MUST do everything they can to help their wives be better Christians.

The third step is seeking forgiveness and recognizing any wrong doing in the conflict. After discussing the problem, the person who was responsible should apologize without making excuses or blaming someone else. The other person should accept the apology and promise to help in any way possible with the problem. After the problem is discussed and whoever was at fault asks for forgiveness, you should forgive them.

Forgiving a spouse that’s been held accountable by you and forgiving isn’t an option, Jesus requires us to do so. (Matthew 18:21-22, Mark 11:25-26) Paul tells us in Ephesians 4:26, “Do not let the sun go down on your wrath”. The Bible is very clear on the fact that husbands and wives must be reconciled the very same day that the problem occurred, it cannot be put off until the next day.

True forgiveness must be extend to your spouse, even when the offense was great. If forgiveness is not extended, then all the preceding steps were in vain; reconciliation has not taken place. When you forgive your spouse you must no longer hold the sin against him. That means you don’t dwell on it, you don’t hold a grudge, and you especially don’t bring it up again to your spouse or anyone else.

Proverbs 17:27-28

A truly wise person uses few words;
a person with understanding is even-tempered.

Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent;
with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent.

~Nick~